Check please

So I am not allowing myself to check today. This means no Internet searching–I will not be able to spend hours looking at moles and melanoma on the Internet, or afternoons spent reading the posts in discussion groups where doctors frightened of liability counsel patients on their medical complaints. Usually for each post there are another 10 posts saying that happens to me to. I will not be able to read first hand accounts about been diagnosed with HIV or cancer, after reading them usually I get this feeling on dread in my stomach. Does my leg tingle?

No checking also means staying out of the mirror. No contourting and stretching to see my whole body. I will not touch my belly button over and over untill my partner tells me to stop.

Tomorrow, I will allow myself these shameful compulsive pleasures. One day soon I will be finished with them. The Internet will no longer be a mine field for anxiety. A trip to the bathroom one day will be just to go to the bathroom, not to inspect my moles, poke at my stool and spit into the sink and check the colour.

One day at a time.

Are we undergoing too many medical tests?

For many hypochondriacs including myself the diagnostic test is a mainstay in my treatment. I have had so many blood tests I just watch the needle go in now. I  worry about endless numbers of x-rays. When I really had a stroke four years ago the dignositic tests took over my hospital life for a few days. It began with a CT scan pretty comfortable all in all looks very sci-fi a big arch passing over your body. Then an MRI loud sonar sounding beeps surrounding you well stuck in a claustrophobic tunnel. Click on this link to view a photo of a couple having sex in an MRI. I don’t know how they pulled it off. Be warned it is a picture of full on sex but it is pretty hard to figure out what’s going on in the picture anyways. Where was I the MRI followed by the spinal tap a suprisingly ok expereicne with the exception crunching sound and the doctor uttering damn I missed it. Then the vials and vials of blood were taken.

Tests are so tempting I read about a priviate clinic in Vancouver BC that offers full body CT scans. What a reassurance. After that you would no that there was no small tumour growing in your lungs or your bones. The relief when I get a good result on a diagnostic test is liberating and wonderful. But there are several huge issues with diagnostic tests.

1. The tests themselves are not always safe. The chart below shows some of the levels of radiation that you are exposed to undergoing different kinds of tests. Note the difference in radiation exposure between CT scans and x-ray. CT scans expose patients to nearly 50 times more radiation.

Why does this matter?

The radiation people are exposed to in CTs increases their risk of getting cancer. This excerpt from an article in the New Scientist describes some of the associated risks.

“….according to some estimates, the radiation exposure a patient receives from a full-body CT scan is often 500 times that of a conventional X-ray and about the same as that received by people living 2.4 kilometres away from the centres of the World War II atomic blasts in Japan.”

2. It is only a matter of time before you receive a false postive result.

If you think you were worried before the test, examine, x-ray imagine how you will fell if you get a false positve.

3. All of the testing sends you up and down between sheer panic and redemption if the test result is ok.

**By all means if you really feel something is wrong or you have important risk factors such as family history or if you are or were a regular smoker get tested.

A digital story about my hypochondria and stroke: Vertigo

This is a digital story I created at a digital storytelling workshop in Berekely. I wanted to explore some of the imaginings of life and death exist within me and that the will and need to survive is somehow at the heart of my hypochondria. If you are dealing with health anxiety view this video carefully. It includes my description of how it felt to have a stroke.